Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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