I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
