i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
