you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
