Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
