her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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