My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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