I cannot find my penis.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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