wakey wakey hands off snakey
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I pour the whiskey from now on
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
