I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
