Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
