I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
