Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
