OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
