she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Randomize
