I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
