No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
