matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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