if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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