Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
