Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
