I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
