i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
