Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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