okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
