I accidentally had phone sex last night
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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