Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
