I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
