i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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