those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
