I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
