I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
We are all done wearing pants today
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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