is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
