Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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