I think my fart just growled at me.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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