just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
