I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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