My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
