i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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