Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
