i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
