if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
