glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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