Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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