Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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