i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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