Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
