Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
