Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
