There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
