Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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