I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
